“We’re going to have to let truth scream louder to our souls than the lies that have infected us.”
So, in my last post I had a moment of honesty with myself for the first time in a long time. I spoke to myself and put my own doubts about myself for all (or the 70 of you that follow me) to see. It’s probably not a big deal to some but to me it was.
You see, I don’t have the same self-confidence on the inside that I exude on the outside and often what I project on the outside isn’t always what I feel on the inside. When I started this blog, I was extremely nervous (and still am) about sharing myself with other people for fear of judgment. I didn’t even tell the people closest to me because I was afraid they would think it was silly or a waste of time. I was so afraid of being myself that even the content I shared was very timid and not a true representation of me.
Beauty and lifestyle seemed to be the most popular topics and like the people pleaser that I now realise I am, I jumped straight onto that band wagon despite having a specific goal at the beginning of this blog. I found myself settling for what was good on paper rather than exploring what worked for me and what I needed to do for me. After some trial and error, I quickly learned that being good at doing hair or liking make-up and food wasn’t enough to make me a good lifestyle or beauty blogger. However, I still wasn’t ready to give up the self-confident façade that hid my deepest insecurities yet so I tried talking about movies, travel and a whole bunch of other things that although I was interested it, only touched the surface of who I am. I wanted to go deeper.
The need for me to find my feet lead me to start the “Finding your Voice” journey (or so I call it). It began as a way of me finding my blogging voice to connect with people on a deeper level but somehow, it’s slowing influencing more than just my blog. Through this process, I realised there was a disconnect between my inner and outer self, both online and offline which prevented me from connecting with people the way I wanted to. So instead of patching it up with make-up and hair or the other random things I thought were cool and trendy, I decided it was time to try something else.
But how? Am I enough?
I asked myself this repeatedly and truth is I don’t know. Not right now anyway. And I will never know if I don’t stop pretending to be any braver, any smarter, or any more ‘adjusted’ than I feel that I am. I need to be honest with myself and realise that yes, I may exude confidence (sometimes) however I’m very much insecure almost all the time. I need to find out what that is. I am full of cracks that only I can fill (even if no one else sees them). I need to find the balance between my insecurities and my confidence if I’m going to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and really see the change I want.
So, what is confidence and insecurity?
Confidence – a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
Insecurity – the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.
I believe the two go hand in hand and are both needed in equal measure to truly be at one with ourselves. However, for me they are far from equal. I often find my insecurities overruling my confidence in several areas of my life. I have the thought or desire to do something but somehow my insecurities talks me out of it. Through self-defeating criticism, I maintain an inner vigilance which keeps me from finding out what I can contribute to this world outside of what people tell me I can do. What do I know that i can do? Take this blog for instance. I want to share so much (and learn even more) but my insecurities often hinder me from doing so for fear of judgement and failure.
This mentality needs to change. Confidence and insecurity need no longer fight for control over my mind. Confidence is humbled by insecurity and insecurity is strengthened by confidence so they must work together.
However, this is easier said than done for someone like me (a walking oxymoron) who is confident on the outside but is tremendously insecure on the inside. Someone who constantly has a million and one things/doubts/questions floating in their head every minute.
I want this but am I good enough? I can do this but is it for me? Do I have what it takes? What will they think? What if I fail? What if it’s a waste of time? The list goes on and on and on.
Society tells us we must be confident to succeed and sometimes it’s easier to personify the opposite of your insecurity than it is to own it. To compensate for our insecurities, we say or do things which we may not necessarily want to. From saying Yes when we mean No (even if it’s for something good) or avoiding talking about the things that really matter to us. Though those people that helped me build my walls are no longer around me, I’m still living in the house they helped me build.
Why am I sharing this?
Uncovering your truth is a process that can be painful and revealing, as well as deeply healing. Whenever we come to terms with a difficult truth, we can feel ourselves growing and changing. I’m in a space in my life where I’m ready to grow and find out what is hidden away in me. To pull out all that is bad and discover all the is magical. I only want to encourage you to do the same. I believe it’s important for us to align our minds with matter and our thoughts with facts to remain faithful to both ourselves and to the world.
I now understand Marianne Williamson’s wonderful lines:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?” ~ Marianne Williamson’s
Piece by piece I will uncover all that I am, all that I’m not and all that I can be. Will you join me?
Hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Stay tuned for the next one!