“You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over.”
I started writing this post last Sunday at 23:53pm after tossing and turning for 2 hours trying to fall asleep. My mind was filled with thoughts of what I learned about myself when my vows of change that I shared in my previous posts (shameless plug) were tested.
Usually when I can’t sleep I just lay in bed till I eventually fall asleep but this time I decided not to. Instead, I got up, picked up my laptop and started writing. Granted I regretted it on Monday morning when I had to wake up at 7am but it’s better to express my thoughts than to suppress them, right?
I won’t go into the details of what happened (trying to keep my posts short you see) but I will share what I learned.
If you’re familiar with my blog, then you probably know about my “Finding Your Voice” journey. It’s something I made up as a way of sharing the change I want to see in myself. It’s all really deep stuff so you should really check them out if you haven’t (shameless plug). Please and thank you!
Any who, post after post I detailed my struggle with self-confidence and insecurities but my biggest issue was my constant need to please other people. This is what I wanted to change the most. After writing a couple of posts (6 to be exact, you should really go read them if you haven’t), I felt like I was well on my way to real change. I was going to be this confident, sassy, “do what I want when I want” type of person. A new woman if you will!
On Sunday I realised how far away I was from all that. When given an opportunity to put my desires first and to stop pleasing other people at the expense of my happiness, I crumbled. I found myself bending to their needs instead of my own. Where did all that sass go?
As human beings we crave the familiar and take refuge in what we know. It’s comfortable. It’s easy. It’s safe. This is why it’s so hard to break a habit, even when we know it isn’t good for us. We want change so badly but find ourselves reverting back to our old ways. I spent so many weeks hyping myself up to become this new person and the moment all that hype was put to the test, my brain screamed ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! I wasn’t ready!!!!
I now realise that pointing out the things I wanted to change about myself didn’t mean I understood what was require of me. I was still holding on to the old me and hadn’t quite become fully aware what loosing her might be like. Not really. Was I ready to lose the reliance people had on me? Was I ready to disappoint people? Could I deal with people judging me for it? Clearly not this time but the fight is not over.
Change is more than just a desire and an acknowledgement of what needs to change. It’s a process. A long, painful but eye-opening process and life is going to test that process to see how much it means to us. We might take two steps forward and then have to take one step back but in that process we’re changing. We’re learning. We are no longer the person we were 3 steps ago. We now know what works and what doesn’t work and cane plan our next step. Every set back is another chance for a comeback. How we come back is what matters. Boom! I’m spitting knowledge my friend. Tell me that wasn’t twitter worthy? #MondayMotivation! No? OK…never mind.
In a moment of weakness and unfamiliarity I reverted back to my old ways. Now what I need to do is spend less time doubting my ability to change (or losing sleep about it) and more time equipping myself with the tools I need to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Do I know what those tools are? No. Maybe a gun? OK, a bit extreme. The point is to use what happened on Sunday to identify what I could have done differently and use that as my tool for the next time. Will that work? I don’t know but I’m willing to find out. Remember, failure is when we stop trying and stupidity is when we don’t learn from our mistakes. I’m learning from mine; hope you are too.
Have you ever been in a similar situation before? Feel free to share your thoughts, questions and experiences in the comment below.
Stay tuned for the next post!