Tag: mum blogger

New Mum | Do I Like Being A Mum?

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.”
— Linda Woote

I had a rough couple of weeks this month were the only response to the question “How does it feel to be a mum” was “sh*t”.

“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had, and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.”
— Linda Woote

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Hello and welcome to my blog!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

I’m doing pretty good. I had a rough couple of weeks this month were the only response to the question “How does it feel to be a mum” was “sh*t”. Motherhood felt really sh*t if I’m being honest. I use the past tense because right now, it feels amazing but there are a lot moments where the weight and responsibility of motherhood just becomes too much for me. It didn’t help that I also caught the flu AND I managed to pass it on to my teething 7 month old. Lovely times!

So since motherhood, hormones and the flu were kicking my ass I decided to take an unintentional but much needed break from blogging, social media and pretty much the rest of the world. And between you, me and the internet I started to wish I could take a break from being a mum too. Unfortunately I can’t exactly detach my boobs and hand them over to someone else to take over so instead I cried, prayed and told myself that this was all part of the process and boy is it a difficult one. Being a mother is bloody hard work and to be honest, a lot of days I really don’t like it.

via GIPHY

Did i just say that out loud!

Well technically I wrote it but it’s true, I don’t like being a mum! At least not right now. My dislike in being a mother is more to do with the expectation and responsibility of raising another human rather than the actual human I’m raising or the fact that I’m doing it alone. My son and my singleness are actually the best part about the process. It’s all the other bits that come with a baby that suck and I’m not sure why no one ever told me it could be like this.

Now I feel like I have to say this for those who are getting ready to report me to social services or a mental ward; I love my son. I look at him everyday and I’m so grateful I made him and I get to watch him learn things and develop into a very interesting human. However, that doesn’t take away from the utter sh*t of an experience being a mum can be sometimes.

The crying, the screaming, the interrupted showers, the cold food and lukewarm tea, the waking up every hour to feed, the kicking whilst changing a poo-filled diaper, the 30 minute cat naps that leave you no time to do anything, the back breaking carrying, the never ending soothing, the unpredictable routine, the lopsided boobs and breastmilk stained bedsheets. Ahhhhh! And to make things extra fun, you’re suppose to deal with all of this (and more) on 3 hours (or less) of sleep, raging hormones and no coffee (or alcohol). Just faith, patience, mothers instinct and utter joy. Oh please! I think I’ve got just about enough of those to not lose my mind but not enough to take away the negative experience that this baby period can have on a mother.

I’m honestly convinced all the mothers around me have gotten amnesia or something and forgotten what it’s like to look after a baby because apparently I should be having the time of my life. “Before you know it they’re all grown up saying mum 24/7 and no to everything” they say. Well, with teething, growth spurts, weaning and constipation, I’m already experiencing that (and more) so what else you got for me?

Right now, being a mum feels like a glorified care worker except you work 24/7 with no breaks, holidays, sick leave or any form of payment. Oh no wait a minute I forgot you do get paid, in kisses and hugs and all those wonderful things people tells you that are so rewarding for mothers. Can any of those get me a full nights sleep without leaking boobs? I don’t think so Judy! It’s been 7 months and so far I’ve gotten a slap on the head, poked and scratched in the face and my nipples bitten. No kisses or hugs yet sir…

Right now, being a mother to me is draining, overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating, tiring, confusing, unpleasant, difficult and a whole host of other emotions I’m yet to identify so please excuse me for not feeling like the luckiest women in the world.

Oh but we mustn’t say such things, must we. Us mothers aren’t allowed to have negative feelings about motherhood are we? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

via GIPHY

 

But I do, because well in case people have forgotten, I didn’t all of a sudden stop being a human once I popped another human out of me. News flash, mothers are humans too you know. We feel good things and bad things about many things, even babies. The idea that being a mother should be the most ah-mazing experience in the world to me is peoples passive aggressive way of guilt tripping you into feeling like a bad mother if you don’t think otherwise. I’m not here for that.

Other people aren’t going through what you’re going through so why do they get a say in how you should be feeling about something so unique and personal? Why is it taboo to share this side of motherhood where everything feels like sh*t and you feel like sh*t for feeling like the experience is sh*t? I’ve said sh*t a lot so you can guess what I was cleaning before I wrote this post.

“Oh but it’s all worth it in the end, right?” Is it Susan, is it really? How do you measure worth when it comes to raising another human being? Who decided what is deemed as “worth it”? Is having your hair fall out in chunks worth it? Is having the simple task of getting milk from the shops turn into a military operation worth it? Is the sleep deprivation worth it? Is the pain in every part of your body worth it? Is the isolation from the rest of the world worth it? Is the isolation from the rest of yourself worth it? Is the fact that they will never remember all that you did during this stage of their lives worth it? And what is this end you speak of because according to my calculations I’m a mother for the rest of my life and I don’t plan on changing that so…

*deep breath*

Have I said too much? Have I overstepped this invisible line that was carved around my emotions the moment I became a mother? Because let a woman show any emotion other than happiness she’s deemed crazy or unstable, but I can assure you I’m neither. I’m simply a first-time mum getting to grips with the fact that being a mother isn’t for the faint hearted or those who love their sleep. Being a mother is late nights, early mornings, ripped and usually stretched out clothes, missed meals, cuts, bruises, aches and pains and an enormous pressure to be perfectly happy about it. It’s fear, worry, isolation and concern about every single thing you do. As much as it’s all those things (and so much more) it’s also a unique, selfless and character building experience that you will never experience unless you are a mother.

It takes a lot of strength being a mother and even more to admit that often times it doesn’t feel like the best job or most rewarding job in the world but you’re glad you have the opportunity to do it and are constantly learning from it. Experience is the best teacher and boy am I learning a lot and so is Matthew.

No one should dictate to you how you should feel about the process because it’s yours to experience, not theirs. I know my experience isn’t everyone’s but I believe people need to be realistic when sharing their stories about their pregnancies and birth as well as the bit that comes after all that. The good, the bad and the complete sh*t of an experience being a mother can be sometimes. Speaking of sh*t, I think he’s just done one on a freshly changed diaper…guess that’s my queue!

I sometimes wonder if Matthew is just as frustrated with this whole experience as I am. Probably.

Your Turn…

How did you think being a mother would be like before you become one? Was it what you expected? How do you define “worth it” when it comes to motherhood?

Let me know in the comments below or on my social @lydiaonlife.

Also, don’t forget to follow the blog too! And why not add yourself to the mailing list for updates whilst you’re at it?

I try (emphasis on the try) to post once a week so stay tuned!
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Till next time!

Love always,
Lydia x

Life Update | What Happened In March?

“Taking a break can lead to breakthroughs.” ― Russell Eric Dobda

Lots of big and small things are happening in my life right now and not enough time to write it all down. So I though why not end the month with a little round up of what’s been going on.

“Taking a break can lead to breakthroughs.”
― Russell Eric Dobda

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Hello and welcome to my blog!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

I think I’m doing okay… March has been a bit of an off month for me. Lot’s of things have happened, (some good some not so good ) so I kinda took a break to gather my thoughts. I tend to do that a lot to realign myself but this time I thought instead of going completely silent for the entire month maybe I should share some of the things I’ve been doing in a little monthly round-up. I think about this blog way too much to just let it collect dust whilst I deal with life. So here we are!

Lots of big and small things are happening in my life right now and with a very active baby and majority (if not all) of my brains cells are focused on him, I’m not able to write them all down and share them as much as I’d like to. I’m also not sure if my readers would care to read a whole blog post on what lunch I made whilst entertaining a 6 month old. Or maybe you would? I don’t know.

My hope is that these monthly road-ups will encourage you guys to let me know what areas about my life you’d like to know more (or less) about. It will also help me keep track of what’s actually been going on in my life as I pursue my 2019 goals. It will be short, it will be sweet and hopefully interesting enough.

So without further ado here is my March round-up…

What’s been happening with me:
  • Started a new project which I hope to share at the end of the year (fingers crossed)
  • Applied for nursery for Matthew (he should hopefully start in June)
  • Celebrated my first mothers day (it wasn’t what I thought it would be)
  • And finally I attend my first blogging event BlogConLND (where I finally met my blogging sista queen jennasworldview.com and other lovely people!)
What’s been happening with Matthew
  • Matthew turned 6 months (ahhhhhh already!)
  • He was baptised on 24th March (very emotional day for him and me)
  • He started standing on his own (with the help of anything sturdy around him)
  • And finally he started eating solids (making full use of his 2 teeth!)

And that’s it I believe. Told you it would be short sweet and interesting (kinda). I don’t know what’s in store for next month but be sure I’ll have another round up ready for you.

Your Turn…

What were the highlights of March for you? Is there anything in this months round-up you’d like me to talk more about?

Let me know in the comments below or on my social @lydiaonlife.

Also, don’t forget to follow the blog too! And why not add yourself to the mailing list for updates whilst you’re at it?

I try (emphasis on the try) to post once a week so stay tuned!

Till next time!

Love always,
Lydia x

Mum Blogger| Am I Changing Anything This New Year?

“You cannot change what you are, only what you do.”
― Philip Pullman

I’m writing this post because I’ve decided to make a slight change to this little corner of the internet I call my blog. It’s been playing on my mind for a while now but I wasn’t quite sure whether it was for me and whether I really wanted to do it or not…

“You cannot change what you are, only what you do.”
― Philip Pullman

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If you’re new to my blog, welcome to my online home.

And if not, then welcome back!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

Me, I’m doing great. I’m currently sat on my toilet writing this post because, well it’s comfortable…kinda. It’s the one place I can let loose (literally) and be my absolute unashamed self. It’s also the one place I’ve found myself feeling creative and flowing with ideas. Weird, right? I’ve thought (and sang) some of my best work whilst in the bathroom but by the time I’ve gotten to a more “appropriate” room to write them all down, they’ve either disappear or just aren’t flowing as well as they were in the loo. This must be a sign, right? Or maybe I’m weird. Either way, I’ve learned as a new mum, you have to do what you have to do to get things done. Even if it means doing them whilst in the toilet.

But my choice of writing rooms isn’t why I’m writing this post. Oh no! It’s more exciting than that…I think.

I’m writing this post because I’ve decided to make a slight change to this little corner of the internet I call my blog. It’s been playing on my mind for a while now but I wasn’t quite sure whether it was for me and whether I really wanted to do it or not. After scheduling all of my December posts I felt a little flat when I started working on my January posts. I wasn’t as excited about the content I planned to put out so instead of posting I took sometime out to rethink the direction I’d like my blog to go.

I didn’t want to start the new year by putting out content for the sake of it or content I wasn’t really excited about. I actually want to enjoy writing and reading what I put out. Then the lovely Jenna over at jennasworldview.com tagged me in a twitter post which I took as a sign to stop thinking about it and just do it. I love me some signs! And so I decided to take the plunge and just do it. What’s the worst that could happen? Maybe I shouldn’t say that…

Anywho, can you guess what it is? No, it’s not the new layout, although I am really in love with it. Looks rather nice don’t you think?

Okay, I’ll tell you.

Drum roll!

Lydia on life is officially becoming a….mummy blog! Tadaaaaaaa…

Okay, a little anticlimactic I know. I probably should have stuck to talking about the new blog layout but becoming a mum blogger seemed more exciting to me.  If you’re still reading this then hopefully you feel the same way.

Some of my readers might have already thought of my blog as a mummy blogger since I spent like a month talking about my pregnancy, delivery and recovery but that was just me venting and expressing. I didn’t think it would be as therapeutic as it was nor did I think I’d enjoy it that much but I did. So much so that I was like hmmmmm, why don’t I just focus on this part of my life.

Aside from it being the biggest part of my life right now, it’s also become the most exhausting, worrying and exciting bit too. And I’d like to share it with anyone who wants to listen. I mean, I usually do in person so why not online?

This part of my life has also highlighted to me the lack of representation for women and probably men in my situation. I searched high and low for months trying to find someone like me, who was going through what I was going through and I was shocked to not find as many as I thought there would be. Have I been looking in the wrong places or is everyone hiding? I don’t know, but what I do know is that I’m here and I have the amazing opportunity to share my journey so I’m taking it.

I once heard someone say if you can’t find a tree, be the tree. That someone was me, I said that. I made it up as a way of motivating myself and more often than not it worked. What I’m trying to say is be the change you want to see if you can’t see it. Don’t just complain about it, be about it.

I’m a young single black woman, raising a child whilst learning to co-parent and build a career and although I never saw myself in this situation, it’s happened and I’m learning how to deal with it. I am in no way saying my story is unique or that I even know what I’m doing. I just believe that you don’t have to be unique or know what you are doing to share your story. You just have to be willing to share it. #everystorymatters.

The little I’ve shared on this blog has certainly help me and if it can help someone else then great. If it doesn’t then at least I know it’s helping one person; me.

You can be your own worst enemy or your greatest saviour. Choose wisely.

So long story short, I’m still Lydia on life, just more emphasis on the mum life now #mummyblogger #mommyblogger for my US people dem. I don’t know why I felt the need to announce this but guess it makes it more real when it’s written down somewhere on the internet. It also serves as an introduction to the content I have planned for the next few months. I’m so excited!

If you’ve made it this far in the post, why are we not friends already? Let’s work on that…

May God bless you and I hope you’ll stick around. If you do, I encourage you to interact with me and join me on this journey. I’m winging it and learning as I go along. I know sharing it on the internet is subject to some criticism (especially being a single mum) which I’m fine with. In fact, I welcome open and honest conversations about motherhood and parenting in general – online and offline.

However, I ask you to remember that it’s okay to agree to disagree as long as we do it with respect. Sing it with me, R E S P E C T, I’ll tell you what that means to me. It means, live your life and allow me to live mine. And don’t judge me for writing about it from the comfort of my toilet seat, which by the way has proven to be very successful. Think I’ve found my new writing room.

Thank you for listening to my Ted Talks.

Your Turn…

Where do you feel most comfortable writing? How did you decide on what to write about?

Let me know in the comments below or on my social @lydiaonlife.

Also, don’t forget to follow the blog too! And why not add yourself to the mailing list for updates whilst you’re at it?

I post once a week so stay tuned for the next one.

Till next time!

Love always,
Lydia x

P.s: Happy New Year! (Is it too late to say that?)

Mum Blogger | Why Did You Start Blogging About Motherhood?

“You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else.”
― John Irving

Now that Christmas is over I’m stuck in this weird phase where all the days till New years seem to just mush together. Tell me I’m not the only one that feels like that?


If I’m honest I’ve felt like that for the last few months.

“You only grow by coming to the end of something and by beginning something else.”
―
John Irving

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If you’re new to my blog, welcome. And if not, then welcome back!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

Me I’m doing pretty good. Christmas was amazing, I made Christmas dinner for the family for the first time I am so proud of myself. I probably wont do it again next year but I’m still happy I can tick that off my bucket list. People that do it every year, I solute you.

Now that Christmas is over I’m stuck in this weird phase where all the days till New years seem to just mush together. Tell me I’m not the only one that feels like that?

If I’m honest I’ve felt like that for the last few months. Since going on maternity leave I’ve pretty much lost track of what day in the week it is. It’s probably why I started working on my blog so much. I needed something to add to my life. Don’t get me wrong,  my life is busy enough with a baby to look after. I just didn’t want it to be the same. I wanted something that was just for me and that made my days feel a little different and blogging has always done that for me.

I use this space to escape a little bit and share my life with someone other than my dribbling 3 month old. He is a good listener though but I guess you would be when you’re the topic of conversation.

If you’ve been keeping up with my posts I’m pretty sure by now you’re sick of hearing about my pregnancy and delivery ( #mummyblogger) but at least now you know my story and perhaps understand my journey more. After all this blog is called lydiaonlife.com and well motherhood is part of my life now. A huge part which took a lot of adjusting to and I wanted to share that.

It’s been a crazy few months and I’ve enjoyed talking about my journey into motherhood because it’s helped me reflect on what I’ve been through. As I put those words down I was able to really comprehend my experience and realise the kind of woman I am, the kind of woman I’m becoming and a glimpse into the kind of woman I can be. Sometimes we need to write down our thoughts to really understand them and I’m so glad I have a place to do that.

These past few posts have been more so for me than for you and I don’t think I plan on changing that. However, I do hope that some how they’ve helped you out in whatever way. Whether it’s given you a glimpse into another experience, comforted you about your own experience or just provided you with some entertainment, I hope you’ll stick around for more in the new year.

I’m embarking on a new chapter in my journey – actually attempting to raise the little human that has changed my life in so many ways and I’m excited to share it. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for Lydia on life both online and offline.

Till next time.

I wish you and amazing start to the New year and I’ll see you on the other side!

Love always,
Lydia x

New Mum | Did You Know You Would Experience This After Giving Birth?

“The worst thing that we do to each other as women, not share the truth about our bodies and how they work, and how they don’t work.”
– Michelle Obama
I am 3 months post-partum since delivering my son via emergency caesarean section (c-section) and I still don’t feel like my complete self yet. There’s a lot about the recovery process that not a lot of people talk about.

“The worst thing that we do to each other as women, not share the truth about our bodies and how they work, and how they don’t work.”
―

Michelle Obama

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If you’re new to my blog, welcome. And if not, then welcome back!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

Me, I’m doing good. Great, actually. I am 3 months post-partum since delivering my son via emergency caesarean section (c-section) and I’m slowly starting to feel like myself again. I’m not completely there but I’m getting there.

There’s a lot about the recovery process that not a lot of people talk about.

If you’ve never had a c-section before, it’s easy to think that it is the easy way out when it comes to giving birth. Nothing could be further from the truth. A C-section is indeed major surgery and the recovery process that comes with it is no joke! I’ve shared my experience about the procedure here and so I wanted to share what it took for me to heal from it as a first-time mum.

I apologise in advance for the TMI you are about to read. This is how we do it on lydiiaonlife.com so read on at your own risk.

*DISCLAIMER* I am not a medical professional nor am I giving anyone advise on any of the issues mentioned below. These are just some of the symptoms I experience after my c-section and the things that helped me recover. If you experience any or other symptoms please speak to a medical profession first. I do not take any responsibility for your use of the information I have provided.

Okay, are you sitting comfortably? Here we go.

TIREDNESS
Sleep is very important, right? Especially for someone who’s had 5 sleepless nights of painful contractions and gone through major abdominal surgery. Unfortunately, after just having my insides ripped open, moved around and then shoved back together, sleep was one of the many things I couldn’t do properly. For the first week I could only sleep upright using a stack of pillows because it made it easier to get into position to feed the baby and get out of bed using as little abdominal muscle as possible. I’d never been more grateful for a nursing pillow than I was during that first week.

SWELLING
After the surgery I was swollen from head to toe. Literally! I was still numb from the anaesthetic so I couldn’t feel it but I could see it and it wasn’t pretty. I was given compression socks to stop the blood clotting in my legs because of the swelling but as for the rest of my body, the swelling had to go down all on its own and it did, eventually after a week. My face was swollen, my hands were swollen, my thighs and feet were swollen. Everything was swollen. By the second week the swelling had gone down and I started looking like a human again even though I didn’t feel like one or move like one either.

PAIN
If I could describe my post-partum in one word it would be painful. I felt pain everywhere whilst doing everything. Walking, talking, laughing, coughing, sneezing, showering, dressing, driving on bumpy roads, turning, feeding, getting out of bed or moving at all, I felt pain. Even the thought of moving was painful. No joke. I was in pain from head to toe and every move felt like I was about to rip in half. This must be what it feels like to be hit by a bus. Once I was discharged I had to take 4 types of medication several times a day and inject blood thinning medication into my abdomen for 10 day. As painful and tiring as it was injecting myself and taking pills, the thought of the pain I would feel if I didn’t was far more terrifying.

CONSTIPATION
With all that medication running through me my bowels decided to take a break from functioning as normal. For the first 2 weeks of my recover I was constipated and had trouble passing stools comfortably. I was taking the medication given to me by the hospital to help with my constipation but they didn’t seem to be working fast enough. Then my midwife suggested having a glass of prune juice everyday and what do you know, my bowels were back in action. I still struggled a little to pass stools like I used to but I wasn’t constipated as badly any more and it came out eventually – just took a little longer than I’m used to. Sorry, I told you this would be a TMI post. Keep reading at your own will.

ANAL FISSURES
As a result of constipation, I had an anal fissures which lasted about a week or so. Anal fissures is a small tear in the skin of the anus which causes a lot of pain and some bleeding when doing a number 2 (I did warn you about the TMI). I was able to treat this by washing the area with salt water to help it heal. I also took laxatives as well as prune juice during that time to make it easier to go to the toilet while the area was healing. Fun times!

GAS
Well, when your bowels are all clogged up, you can only guess the kind of gas that is coming out of you. Need I say more? Post-partum gas is a real thing. If you don’t believe me then just Google it! Research has said changing diet can help but all the foods that give gas are the foods I like eating so guess the world would have to deal with whatever aroma that comes out of me. Sorry, not sorry.

TROUBLE PEEING
During my delivery I was given an epidural to help ease the contractions as the gas and air wasn’t enough. This meant I needed a urinary catheter so I could pee freely since I was numb from the waist down. I stayed with it for 2 days after the surgery and I felt so uncomfortable the whole time. Not only could I feel the catheter once the anaesthetic wore off, it was also incredibly painful to pee once the catheter was taken out. I was advised to drink lots of water to help dilute the acidity in my urine and although it felt like I was drinking the entire River Themes, it wasn’t enough to avoid the burning sensation whilst peeing. It took 2 weeks and 3 litres of water a day for the burning sensation to stop. You can imagine how often I had to pee in that time. Ouch!

PERIODS
So I was aware that there would be post-partum bleeding but no one told me it would last 6 weeks. 6 weeks! 6 weeks of bleeding was not what I signed up for. It was like having all those periods I missed during pregnancy in one go. I felt dirty and moving around was extremely uncomfortable. Not to mention the bleeding was very heavy which meant I had to wear adult diapers. Sexy! After 3 weeks the flow became lighter but I did start to feel some period-like symptoms such as back ache, light cramps but nothing like my usual period pains (if I can remember what those felt like).

CONTRACTIONS
Along with periods, I experienced contractions too. Yes, these bad boys don’t go away just because you’ve given birth. The purpose of them after birth is to help shrink your uterus back to its pre-pregnancy size and shape and this process is called involution. Since I was breastfeeding, the contractions were a lot stronger and lasted about a week or so. Why no one gave me a heads up about this in sex education or biology, I don’t know. Unless I wasn’t listening…

LOSS OF APPETITE
After the surgery I didn’t have that big of an appetite. The hospital food wasn’t great and though my family brought me food, I struggled to eat as much as I should have. I did force myself to eat since I was recovering from major surgery and breastfeeding another human, however, I was so exhausted that I’d sometimes pick sleep over food. Shameful I know but with some force feeding encouragement from my family I was able to eat enough until my appetite came back – 2 months later. It’s still not where it used to be but it’s getting there.

SCARING
My c-section incision is known as the horizontal or bikini incision (Pfannenstiel incision) which was sealed using Steri strips that were taken out 5 days after the surgery. This type of incision is said to leave a much more cosmetically appealing scar once it has healed. I didn’t see my scare till after 8 weeks when my uterus had gone down and to be honest there was nothing cosmetically appealing about it to me. The scare is slightly raised and feels hard to the touch and quite frankly I’m not a fan of it. However, I don’t mind it because it’s a reminder of how amazing our bodies are and what I had to go through to bring my child into this world safely. Plus it’s low enough to be covered by my underwear or bikini and I don’t usually go around showing my abs (I don’t have any anyway) so it won’t be seen. There’s always a silver lining even if it doesn’t look as great as you’d like it to..

CARPAL TUNNEL
Carpal tunnel is the pain, numbness and tingling in the thumb, index finger, middle finger and the thumb side of the ring fingers due to compression of the median nerve as it travels through the wrist. Most women experience this in the early months of their pregnancy but I experienced it towards the very end and it lingered on for 6 weeks after I gave birth. This made looking after the baby very difficult. As if I wasn’t dealing with enough issues already.

DE QUERVAIN’S TENDINOSIS
This is just a fancy way of saying inflammation of the thumb tendon. I was told that this was common after giving birth because your hands are constantly doing things they aren’t usually used to – like holding a baby. This overuse of the joint can cause the tendon to swell resulting in pain and tenderness along the thumb side of the wrist. You notice the pain most when forming a fist, grasping or gripping something, or when turning the wrist. I was advised to do some wrist exercises and wear a split to help get rid of the pain as I couldn’t take medication because I was breastfeeding. Simple things like picking my son up became increasingly painful but I just did what I was advices and put my Supermum pants on and dealt with the pain as much as I could. Wasn’t easy but I got used to it.

HAIR SHEDDING
I knew that women experience post-partum hair lost but for some reason I thought I had somehow been one of the lucky ones to avoid it. I washed my hair a month after giving birth and everything was good. Hair was still full and I experienced the usual amount of shedding. However, the following month when I did my usual wash-day routine I was shocked at the amount of hair that was sitting in my sink and on my comb. It looked like I had done a big chop or something. I honestly didn’t expect that much hair to leave my head but it did. Luckily I have very thick hair and a lot of it was still left on my head so the loss wasn’t noticeable but damn, it was a sad and shocking moment. Hopefully it will grow back to it’s lustrous self again with the help of some wigs and protective styles.

And that’s it…so far.

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No one can prepare you for what you will experience during a natural birth let alone a c-section. Some women have it and within weeks they are back to their normal self, others have it and end up with complications and some have it and take months if not years to recover. Every woman is different and every experience is different.

Child birth does a lot to a woman’s body but I feel as though a lot of us don’t share enough about it. Aside from the physical recovery there was also the mental and emotional recovery too. This recovery is still an on going process which stem from before I gave birth. A lot of these symptoms I’m still struggling with 3 months post-partum and I can only hope that soon I will feel like myself again. Completely. But for now, I’m taking it one day at a time and focusing more on my baby and less on my body.

This post was just my way of sharing my experience. It’s a hard, painful and not so pretty one but it’s worth it.

What was your post-partum experience like? Let me know in the comments below.

Till next time.

Love always,
Lydia x

Black Mum | Was Your Labor and Delivery Experience Like This?

“Childbirth is a time when a woman’s power and strength emerge full force, but it is also a vulnerable time.”
– Annemarie Van Oplo

On September 17th after 41 weeks and 5 days of being pregnant, I welcomed the most adorable little boy named Matthew. I had such a healthy pregnancy (despite the emotional roller-coaster) , so for the delivery to be so traumatic was a shock to me and my family. Was it the ignorance of being a first-time mum or a failure on the NHS? I’m not sure. A part of me thinks it’s both and here’s why.

“Childbirth is a time when a woman’s power and strength emerge full force, but it is also a vulnerable time.”
– Annemarie Van Oploo

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If you’re new to my blog, welcome. And if not, then welcome back!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

Me I’m doing good. For those of you who have read my previous posts you’ll probably know two things about me.

  1. On September 17th after 41 weeks and 5 days of being pregnant, I welcomed the most adorable little boy named Matthew.
  2. My pregnancy and my delivery was very unexpected.

I was suppose to be due on September 5th and though we all know most babies don’t come on their actual due date, I didn’t expect to be 12 days overdue. I also didn’t expect to be contracting for 5 days straight and under go an emergency caesarean section (c-section). I had such a healthy pregnancy (despite the emotional roller-coaster) , so for the delivery to be so traumatic was a shock to me and my family.

Was it the ignorance of being a first-time mum or a failure on the NHS? I’m not sure. A part of me thinks it’s both and here’s why.

MY LABOUR

My contractions started on a Wednesday after receiving a very painful sweep the day before due to the fact that I was already 1 week and 1 day overdue. The contractions were light at first but they soon progressed and became very painful very quickly. On the Thursday I contacted my midwife to inform her about the pain I was in even after taking pain killers and how I was finding it difficult to sleep on either side because of the contractions but since they were not close together enough she advised me to wait. “This is expected for first-time mums” she said, so we waited.

The next day I received a second sweep in hopes of inducing the labour further as I was only 1 cm dilated. Getting the sweep done the second time was harder and a lot more painful than the first time. I remember when the midwife left my bedroom for me to get dressed I cried my eyes out. I was so tired and already in pain from 2 days of contracting that this time I couldn’t hold back the tears like I did the first time. I didn’t want to cry in front of her though. I thought, she was so calm about it despite my distress so the pain must be normal and I’m just being dramatic.

By the forth day the contractions had gotten so bad and I hadn’t had any sleep since they started that my family decided to take me to the hospital to see if there was something they could do there. I was petrified of them checking how far I’d dilated because of how invasive and painful it can be but I knew it had to be done. They checked and unfortunately I was still only 1 cm dilated so they sent us home to wait till I was at least 4 cm. I was due to be induced the following day so if nothing happened then we’d return to the hospital for my induction. I was in so much pain the whole night my mum couldn’t bare to see me so she tried to keep herself busy by cleaning, cooking and knitting downstairs whilst my sisters helped me through the contractions.

The next day my family and I made our way to the hospital for my induction. I expected to see one of the midwives from my home visits because they had said they’d be at the hospital with me but they weren’t. The midwives that were there checked to see how far I had dilated only to find out I was just 2 cm. I’d been contracting for nearly 5 days now and was only 2 silly cm dilated. This didn’t sound normal and we asked for something to be done but once again we were told it’s expected for first time mums so we should wait a little longer to see if things will improve on their own. If they didn’t I would then be induced.

So we waited. And waited. And waited. We were told to keep track of the contractions which we did but they were all over the place and I was still in excruciating pain that we gave up after a while. My mum kept asking the midwives if there was anything they could do but all they could say was wait. “These things take time, we just have to be patient. She’s doing amazing” they said. They seemed so relaxed about everything and made it seem like we were overreacting so we did as we were told and waited.

12 hours later, a BLACK midwife came to check on me whilst doing her night time rounds. She asked if anyone had done a CTG on me and I said no. She was surprised considering I was booked to be induced at 10am and it was now 10pm. She then asked if my pregnancy was high or low risk and I said low as this is what it has been throughout my pregnancy. “Okay, I’m going to do a CTG on you as this should have been done while you were waiting”, she said. Whilst strapping the CTG machine on me she explained that she would leave the machine to monitor me and the baby for for 30 minutes before leaving the room.

30 minutes later she returned to check the results of the CTG only to discover that my baby’s heart rate kept dropping significantly low during every contraction. My pregnancy had now gone from low risk to high risk because of this. She could see the worry in my face and the frustration in my mums face knowing our concerns had been ignored all day so she proceeded to explain that she’d take the results to the doctor who will likely induce me soon if there is a bed available.

An hour later I was wheeled to the delivery ward where again I was left to wait whilst the doctor and other midwives do another CTG. They offered me pain killers as they could clearly see I was in excruciating pain but this wasn’t enough so they then asked if I wanted other forms of pain relief such as Gas and air, Pethidine injections or Epidural. I chose gas and air as this seemed like the safest and easiest option to me at the time. As I was puffing away I see more midwives coming to look at the CTG and my mum started to get even more frustrated. Finally the doctor came to induce me and oh my goodness I was not prepared for the pain. I never in my wildest thought it would be that painful. I puffed at the gas and air so much but the contractions were coming in quick and fast I couldn’t get high enough to feel completely pain free.

They noticed that not a lot of fluid came out when they induced me so they asked me if my waters had broken already and I said no because I would have felt it, right? The puzzled look on their faces made me even more worried but I was too busy puffing at the gas and air to ask questions so my mum stepped in. She didn’t understand why they were waiting around if the baby’s heart rate kept dropping during every contraction and I wasn’t dilating enough to deliver the baby naturally.

The doctor then advised me to have an Epidural to help levitate the pain whilst they monitored me further. The process sounded painful and uncomfortable but to be honest I’d have said yes to anything to stop the pain. They kept asking me to move from one side to the other to help the baby’s heart rate but that didn’t work. I tried to explain to them that my contractions were at their worst when I was laying on either side but they didn’t listen. They just kept asking me to try and lay on either side. At this point my mum became furious. “What are you waiting for” she said “Can you do something now”. I’d been contracting for 5 days now, was nearly 2 weeks overdue and had 2 sweeps plus been induced and I still wasn’t dilating. To make matters worse, these same contractions they were monitoring were causing the baby’s heart rate to drop low. She urged them to perform a c-section but all they kept doing was saying “Let’s try and get the baby in a comfortable position first. Lydia you’re doing fine.”

But I wasn’t doing fine. I was exhausted, confused and worried about what damage these contractions might be doing to my baby. After going back and forth to consult with other doctors and my mum urging them to do something, they finally decided to perform an emergency c-section. It took for my mum to come to tears for them to stop monitoring me, stop saying I’m doing fine and actually do something to get the baby out. At this point I was in floods of tears.

MY DELIVERY

Throughout my pregnancy I never thought I’d have to deliver my baby via c-section. I knew it could happen but never thought it would. I felt defeated. I’d gone through all this pain for nothing and now I’d have to undergo a procedure I wasn’t prepared for. As the number of doctors and midwives increased in my room, the tears just fell on my face even more. They were all talking to me at once explaining what is about to happen and asking me to sign some documents. I signed but my mum knew I wasn’t hearing them any more so she told them to speak to her and not me. I was tired, annoyed and scared and certainly didn’t have the mental, physically or emotion capacity to understand what they were saying to me.

As they wheeled me into theatre all I can remember is trying not to cry. Trying to tell myself that I was okay and this was all okay but the tears kept flowing. I’d never been to a hospital for any illness since I was 2 years old in Kenya and I don’t remember that so a c-section to be my first experience since then was traumatising. No one in my family had given birth in a UK hospital either so we were at the mercy of the nurses, doctors and midwives.

Moments later Matthew was born and my ordeal was finally over. They wheeled me into the postnatal word to begin my recovery and be reunited with my son and the rest of my family. As happy as we were that Matthew and I were okay, none of us were happy with the way we were treated. Three days later I was discharged and my family and I left the hospital feeling as though I had received substandard care.

Was my experience the norm in this country? At the time it seemed to be. They were so nice about everything that I felt too guilty to question the service I’d received.

But in all honesty I felt let down by the midwives who I’d spent so many weeks getting to know and feeling comfortable with thinking they would be there only to have them show up after the chaos. I felt let down by the hospital staff who ignored my complaints about the pain and insisted I wait. I also let myself down. I allowed the ignorance of being a first time mum and the black woman stereotypes prevent me from complaining about my treatment for fear of being seen as historical or dramatic.

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This experience has shown me that the image of the “strong or angry black woman” disinclines black women to show vulnerability while also encouraging second-rate treatment. On one had society thinks black women can take any kind of treatment because we are strong yet on the other black woman are seen as historical or dramatic if we oppose that treatment. The sad thing is that when we fear the angry black woman stereotype we encourage the strong black woman stereotype. At least that’s how it felt like to me.

Would they have made another woman wait so long and be in so much pain? I don’t know. What I do know is I won’t allow myself to have that type of experience again. I’d rather look hysterical and dramatic than to suffer like I did. If my mother wasn’t there to fight for me I don’t know what would have happened. Mothers are amazing and I can only hope to be the same for my son!

As a first time mum, how was your labour and delivery experience? Let me know in the comments below.

Till next time.

Love always,
Lydia x

New Mum | What Should You Pack In Your Hospital Bag? + Free Printable List

“The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.” ― H. Jackson Brown Jr

This is baby number 1 and I can’t tell you how many videos, websites and apps I looked at to ensure I had the hospital bag essentials I needed for the labour and delivery. Any advice people gave me I made a note of because I wanted to be as ready as possible. My pregnancy was unplanned and filled with a lot of emotional ups and down and I wanted to be everything I could to ensure that my labour and delivery was a lot more smoother and that I was as prepared as possible. But, can one ever be fully prepared for the delivery of their first baby?

“The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.”
― H. Jackson Brown Jr

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If you’re new to my blog, welcome. And if not, then welcome back!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

Me, I’m doing great! As a first-time mum attempting to blog my journey, this post was a must to write. Am I really a mum blogger if I don’t have one of these posts? Okay that’s just an excuse, I’ve always wanted to write one of these posts and I’m so glad I have a legit reason and experience to do so.

This is baby number 1 and I can’t tell you how many videos, websites and apps I looked at to ensure I had the hospital bag essentials I needed for my labour and delivery. Any advice people gave me I made a note of because I wanted to be as ready as possible. My pregnancy was unplanned and filled with a lot of emotional ups and down and I wanted to do everything I could to ensure that my labour and delivery was a lot more smoother and that I was as prepared as possible.

But, can one ever be fully prepared for the delivery of their first baby? My answer is no. Despite having 2 extra weeks to pack because I was overdue, I still didn’t pack everything I needed. Nonetheless I feel like the experience helped me prepare for the next time I give birth and I wanted to share it.

The first thing I want to mention is the actual hospital bag. I decided to take a small hand luggage suitcase with me as it had just the right amount of space and it was easy to transport. I toyed with the idea of getting a fancy hospital bag like all the other trendy mums I’d seen but I realised it would have been a waste of my money since I already had bags available. Plus being fancy would have been the last thing on my mind on that day. I needed something practical, spacious and available so a hand luggage suitcase was the best thing to use. In the side pockets of my hospital bag I had my hospital notes, camera and charger as well as lip balm, phone, charger, earphones, keys and pocket tissue.

The second thing I did was put my stuff and the baby’s stuff in separate storage bags inside the suitcase. This made it easy for me and my family to find things without completely destroying my nicely organised bag. I used the clear storage bags that come with some of the babies clothes as they were the perfect size and I had loads. I love repurposing things!

So what did I take with me?

I’ll start with the most important persons things – the baby. I waited until after my baby shower to pack the hospital bag for the baby as I didn’t want to spend money on items that people might get for me anyway. I had so many questions when I was packing the baby’s bag. How big would he be? How often in a day would he be changed? Where the wipes “pure” enough? Did I have enough blankets? Who knew packing for a baby could be so complicated! I packed then unpacked then repacked and replaced until I felt it was just right and that I had everything I needed.

lydiaonlife-printable-hospital-bag-for-baby

The cotton wool and water was important for cleaning the baby (which the hospital provided) since the midwives didn’t deem the water wipes as “pure enough” for newborn skin despite every blog post and video telling me they were. As for the bottles and formula, I struggled to breastfeed the baby so out of frustration I asked if he could be given formula whilst I tried to get the hang of breastfeeding. Luckily the hospital was able to provide them for me but it was definitely disappointing that I didn’t get the hang of breastfeeding straight away.

Aside from the cotton wool, formula and bottles, the baby I packed exactly what I needed. Not bad for a first-timer, huh?

Now onto the hospital bag for mum – that’s me!

I spent so much time and had so much fun packing the hospital bag for the baby that I left my bag till the very end. 2 weeks before I was due I was still shopping for clothes to pack for myself. Shameful, I know. I didn’t think I needed a lot because I didn’t expect to stay in hospital that long and surprisingly enough I actually didn’t need a lot. Despite having an expected emergency c-section I packed just the right amount of things that I needed.

lydiaonlife-printable-hospital-bag-for-mum

The hospital was able to provide me with disposable underwear, maternity pads and towels which I used in addition to the ones I brought. They also supplied me with a hospital gown which I wore instead of the night dresses I brought. It wasn’t the most flattering attire but with all the blood coming out of me and the pain I felt from even the slightest movement, looking flattering was the least of my concerns. Their gown was functional and I didn’t care if it got dirty. There was no need for socks since I was in compression socks after giving birth and the hospital was pretty warm anyway.

My labour and delivery wasn’t as glamorous as I’d hoped so even though I brought make-up I didn’t end up using it and most of the snacks I brought were consumed by family members as I didn’t have much of an appetite.

And that was it.

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I’ve never felt more organised in my life than I did packing my hospital bag. Every time I looked at it I felt so proud. And I damn sure was!

Despite missing one or two things here and there I think I did pretty well for a first timer and I didn’t have to send anyone home to get anything for me – aside from proper food.

As proud as I am of my list I can’t say it’s the ultimate list because giving birth can be quite unpredictable. Every experience is different and therefore the needs might also be different too. What I would do differently next time is probably call the hospital to see what items they can provide for me should I need them as well as what they would recommend I bring. I didn’t think to do this as I never knew it was an option – no one told me I could do that. It would have probably saved me a lot of time, money and space in the hospital bag.

The distance from your home to your hospital plus the type of birth you are having will greatly affect what you will need to pack but as long as you have someone who can pop home and get you a few extra things, you don’t need to pack your entire bedroom.

As a first-time mum I hope my experience and list will help you feel a bit more prepared and at ease for your hospital bag needs. There are plenty of blogs, videos and apps out there if you need more ideas. Here are a few that I found really useful.

BLOGS:
VIDEOS:
APPS:

Did you pack everything you needed in your hospital bag? Let me know in the comments below.

Till next time.

Love always,
Lydia x

New Mum | What 5 Pregnancy Apps Are A Must for First-time Mums?

“Enjoy the moment while waiting.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita.

There’s an app for everything these days and pregnancy is no exception. Finding out I was pregnant was a very nerve racking experience which I rambled about here. It wasn’t planned and I certainly never imagined it happening the way that it did. But it did and after the initial shock of it all I was ready to continue on the journey into motherhood. However, as a first-time mum I knew I would need a lot of help. Lucky for me I had an amazing support system around me but the App store played a significant role too.

“Enjoy the moment while waiting.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita

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If you’re new to my blog, welcome. And if not, then welcome back!

How are you? How’s life treating you?

Me, I’m doing good. I’ve been spending the last few weeks planning out my blog posts and so far so good. Hopefully this will mean I’ll be able to stick to my new posting schedule of 2 post per week. Wish me luck!

Okay, on to today’s post! It’s another pregnancy post but hopefully one that will make your life easier like it did mine.

Finding out I was pregnant was a very nerve racking experience which I rambled about here. It wasn’t planned and I certainly never imagined it happening the way that it did. But it did and after the initial shock of it all I was ready to continue on the journey into motherhood. However, as a first-time mum I knew I would need a little lot of help. Lucky for me I had an amazing support system around me but the App store played a significant role too.

Being a new mum means exactly that, new. Everything is new. You have no idea what to expect and the amount of information you receive during your antenatal appointments, plus the floods of advice you get from everyone and their auntie can be overwhelming. However when the information is presented in chunks that you can refer to at any time, things don’t seem so scary. Plus your pregnancy brain can process them better. Don’t you think? At leats that’s how it was for me.

That’s why I’m so happy that there’s an app for everything these days and pregnancy is no exception. However, finding the right pregnancy app was trickier than I thought it would be. There are tones and tones of pregnancy related apps out there that do pretty much the same thing but in different ways. I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy trying out different apps for different things until I found the apps that worked best for me and as usual here on lydiaonlife.com I wanted to share my findings in hopes of narrowing down your search when that time comes. I don’t make any promises though.

Without further ado, here are the 5 most useful apps to have during your pregnancy – in my opinion.

SPROUT

Sprout has got to be my most used app during my pregnancy. I heard about this app from Nikki Perkins on YouTube before I found out I was expecting so I knew I had to try it. What got me interested in Sprout was the 3D image of the fetus as it grew week by week. Once I downloaded and started playing around with it I fell in love. From the daily and weekly information about your pregnancy, to checklists, journal features and tracking tools that help you through your pregnancy and delivery. This app had everything I needed from a pregnancy tracking app and I used it all the way up until I brought my son Matthew home.

It did take a little while to get use to it and know where everything is but once I did, it became the first thing I’d look at in the morning. The only negative thing I found was that I had to upgrade after a while to keep using it which I wasn’t aware of when I initially downloaded it but I was so used to it, I was willing to pay for the upgrade.

BOUNTY

I’m not sure how I found out about the Bounty app. It was probably from downloading so many apps. Either way I’m glad I did because it was such great help to me. Bounty is an award-winning, pregnancy and parenting app that lets you find out what to expect as a new mum. From day-by-day baby development information direct from local hospitals and health providers to a baby foot size tracker and a handy sleep tracker to give you peace of mind once your baby arrives. As amazing as these features are, the main reason I kept using the Bounty app was to claim the FREE Bounty sample packs and discount vouchers that were available via the app. Every little helps when you’re expecting and boy did this app help!

Being a first-time mum and someone who has never looked after a baby for longer than 20 minutes, I had no idea where to start when it came to baby products and brands. Thank to this app I was able to stock up on Matthews nursery whilst providing me with the opportunity to test products out before I commit to buying the full sizes. I collected the gift packs from my local Tesco and Boots just by showing them the voucher on the app which was simple enough. I also received a pack at the hospital when I delivered Matthew and will be getting another pack when Matthew is 4 months old. Not sure what will be in it though.

EMMA’S DIARY

I found out about Emma’s Diary app from my midwife. During one of my antenatal appointments she handed me an Emma’s Diary magazine which had a form to register to become a member. As an Emma’s Diary member you are entitled to receive 3 free gift packs containing samples for you and your baby.

I got my first gift packs from Argos which contained baby fabric softener, washing powder and other baby products samples. I then found out they had an app so I downloaded it, logged on and saw that I could access the vouchers for the other packs via the app. The rest is history. I was able to redeem the other packs at my local Boots which was fantastic. I did however have to go there a few times as they seemed to be out of stock but it was definitely worth it.

MOTHERCARE

The Mothercare app was my go to for all the baby clothes, gadgets and essentials. I didn’t know where else to start. Mothercare has always been around when I was growing up so to find out the stores were closing down just when I needed it most was really sad. Only for a moment thought because the closing down of some of their stores meant there were sales going on left, right and centre so I downloaded the app and started making my wish list.

Most of the things I bought were online and the delivery was prompt so I had no complaints however, the quality of their clothes wasn’t always great. But this isn’t a review on baby clothes so we’ll leave that for another post. Aside from allowing you to stock up on mother and baby products, the Mothercare app also has other cool features like baby songs, baby names, essentials checklist and a bunch of other things to help you along your pregnancy and beyond.

KEGEL TRAINER

During my first antenatal appointment, my midwife told me about the importance of pelvic floor exercise and recommended the NHS app Squeezy to help remind me to do them. I personally wasn’t prepared to pay the £2.99 for it when I knew I could find a free one that did the same thing and so I did. I searched the app store and found Kegel Trainer PFM Exercise. This app has 10 different sessions to work through to help you strength your pelvic floor muscles.

The sessions last between 30 seconds to 3 minutes and has a handy reminder to ensure you never forget. The best part about this app is that there are visual, audio or vibration cues to make the exercise as discreet as possible. All for free! I’m sure there is a justified reason for the NHS app costing £2.99 but that price was not for me.

YOUTUBE

And last but certainly not least we have YouTube. Good old YouTube. Okay, this isn’t a pregnancy app per se but c’mon it’s YouTube. You can find videos on literally anything you want. I don’t have to tell you that unless you’ve been living under a rock (which I’m sure would have been shared on YouTube by someone). Next to the Sprout app, YouTube was probably the second most used app on my phone during my pregnancy. Whenever I needed to decide on what gadget to buy or how to decorate the nursing I turned to YouTube.

From tutorials and reviews to hauls and baby updates, a day never went buy that I wasn’t on YouTube. It helped me not only prepare physically for the baby i.e. what to buy and how to look after him, it also introduced me to other first-time mums and how they coped with it. Especially single mums. I knew my experience may not be the same but enabled me to connect with people I could related to and hear their stories.

Here are some of the channels I found helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/user/emilynorrisloves
https://www.youtube.com/user/MissCharlotteTaylor
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxdOM3aOTvrY3BRmEMTTAdg
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmkhKJThgvDeS3jKdiRkWww

And that’s it!

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In the age we live in, having these tools at your fingertips makes the task of preparing to be a parent that bit easier. Especially if you are doing it alone. God bless the creators and developers of these apps. Hopefully one day someone will be saying that about an app I’ve created. Until then I hope these apps will be as useful to you as they were to me. They may not all work for you but at least you have somewhere to start.

What apps did you find most useful during your pregnancy? Please share below and say why you liked them.

Till next time.

Love always,
Lydia x

Single Mum | What was Your Pregnancy Journey like?

“You never understand life until it grows inside of you.”
― Sandra Chami Kassis

Before I found out I was pregnant I always thought my pregnancy would be associated with three things:
1) Eating for two,
2) Craving a random and slightly questionable meal at 3am and;
3) Asking my husband to prepare me said meal in the middle of the night in our newly refurbished home.

Spoiler alert. None of these things happened to me. None. Life has a funny way of doing the complete opposite of what you think it should do, right?

“You never understand life until it grows inside of you.”
― Sandra Chami Kassis

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Before I found out I was pregnant I always thought my pregnancy would be associated with three things:

  1. Eating for two,
  2. Craving a random and slightly questionable meal at 3am and;
  3. Asking my husband to prepare me said meal in the middle of the night whilst I relax in our newly refurbished family home.

Spoiler alert. None of those things happened to me. None…

Life has a funny way of doing the complete opposite of what you think it should do, right? After going through one of life’s biggest milestones, I wanted to share with you what that experience was like for me.

But first, how are you? How is life treating you?

Me, I’m doing okay, great actually. After taking some time to organise myself and get back to blogging, I feel like things are finally falling into place. Something I struggled to believe would happen during my pregnancy.

Let me start from the beginning…

I found out I was pregnant at 7 weeks. Yup, that’s right. For 7 weeks I was eating sushi, drinking wine and happily carrying on with life as if life wasn’t growing inside of me. It was until Matthew’s father noticed I hadn’t complained about my period for a while that he suggested we take a test. When the little blue line appeared I could not believe it. I was convinced we’d taken the test wrong so I insisted we book an appointment at the GP to confirm.

“Congratulations, it’s positive”, the nurse said. I just smiled and said thank you but inside I was terrified. At the time I thought I was worried about how my family and friends would react but after telling them and seeing how happy they were for us I soon realised I was terrified because this wasn’t how it was suppose to happen.

I’d always had the idea of getting married first, then the house and THEN the baby. This was all happening backwards and I wasn’t sure if I was happy about it or if I was okay with this new future. Matthew’s father was excited and so was I but I just wasn’t excited that it was happening like this.

During our relationship we had both talked about our ideal future together and how we wanted it to be – a wedding, a house and then kids, you know the usual. We even agreed to save up for it so that we’d be prepared when that time came. Well, the time came and though I was ready to commit to the future we spent many days and nights talking about, for some reason he wasn’t. It soon became clear that the life we had spoken and planned for for the last 2.5 years was more important to me than it was to him.

After 2 weeks of arguing and going back and forth, I ran out of energy trying to understand why our plans had to change just because I was pregnant. I was tired of the emotional roller-coaster and I didn’t want to stay in a relationship feeling as though I’d settled for something I didn’t want and I didn’t want him to either. So at 10 weeks pregnant during the early hours of the morning, my relationship with Matthew’s father ended. Ironically it happened on valentines day. Go figure…

It wasn’t what I wanted but it was definitely what I needed. I went through the rest of my pregnancy without him.

In all my 26 years of living I never thought I’d ever be single and pregnant. Single, maybe but single AND pregnant, never. Yet there I was, single and 10 weeks pregnant wondering how something that should have brought us closer together could bring us so far apart. Although I dealt with it as best as I could and remained as positive as I could, small moments such as feeling the baby kick or people asking me how things are with the father brought the pain back. If it wasn’t for the amazing support of my friends and family I don’t know how I would have coped.

They were always around to remind me that I wasn’t alone. A life was growing inside me that felt everything I was feeling and would make me one of the greatest things in this world – a mother. Knowing this helped me to remain positive and even encouraged me to learn something new to mark this new chapter in my life.

Thanks to my mum, I learned how to knit and was able to knit a blanket for Matthew. My mum used to knit clothes for me and my sisters when we were babies so it was only right I follow suit. I don’t know how she remembered after 26 years but she did. It became our bonding session where she shared stories about her pregnancy and told me how excited she was to become a grandmother for the first time. I loved every minute of it. Plus it served as a distraction from everything that was happening.

Aside for the unexpected break-up, my pregnancy was pretty much uneventful. My morning sickness was very minimal, I had no weird cravings (aside from water and orange juice) and I didn’t gain a lot of weight. My hair grew, my skin glowed and my cleavage looked amazing if I do say so myself. I’d heard so many unpleasant stories about pregnancy so as a first-time mum I expected the worst or at least have crazy hormones that caused me to do crazy things. But nope, I got none of that and I am truly grateful for it! Would have been nice to blame something weird on the hormones, though.

As amazing as the majority of my pregnancy was, there were some not so amazing moments. I documented them on an app called Sprout because I wanted to remember as much about my actual pregnancy as possible and not the chaos that surrounded it. It can all become a blur when you have so many changes happening to you at once.

Social media always made things sound either worse than they really were or more perfect than they should be so I wanted to share my honest experience. Hopefully you’ll find some comfort in my pregnancy journey.

Between week 12 and week 18 my boobs didn’t just get bigger, they also got darker, itchier and looked slightly bruised. Lovely! I was a lot more tired than usual and I had a lot more headaches than normal so paracetamol was my bestfriend for a while. Unfortunately my dreams of eating for two hadn’t came to fruition yet. In fact I lost my appetite and spent most of the time force feeding myself by eating little and often.

As my stomach started to become noticeable at week 16 my choice of jeans to wear soon decreased and I had to find some maternity jeans. However, the struggle for said jeans was real. Not only were the jeans expensive, it was difficult to find some that didn’t look so maternity. Annoyingly enough I was in that awkward stage where my stomach was too small to fit into maternity jeans and too big to fasten my existing jeans so I used a belt and rubber bands to hold my existing jeans together until I could fit into the maternity ones properly. This wasn’t the most comfortable solution but it worked. Once I was big enough I found that New Look and H&M had the best and most affordable maternity jeans.

By week 19 my appetite was back to normal-ish but I still didn’t have the urge to eat for two (which sadly is a myth by the way!). On the other hand I did feel like I was being stretched by two people. My boobs were still growing, my stomach was still growing and I just felt round. To distract myself I started thinking about baby names and redecorating the house in preparation for the baby shower and the baby of course. This was another much needed distraction!

The Sprout app I was using said I should have felt the baby kick before week 19 so I began to feel a little anxious and worried, as you do, but then one night as I was lying in bed I felt a kick. At first I thought it was a muscle twitch in my stomach or something but it happened again so I pressed against it and guess what? It was a kick! I literally leaped out of my bed to tell my family but they were all asleep and probably wouldn’t have been as excited as I was. It was moments like this that reminded me of Matthew’s father and how much he was missing out on.

As the pregnancy continued, I only experienced a few more symptoms such as swollen feet, blood when blowing my nose and hearing a heart beat sound in my ears which according to Google and my midwife was the sound of the extra blood flowing through me. Nice! I also had a strange numb-like feeling in my legs at night which again according to Google and my midwife was restless leg syndrome. Where would I have been without Google when my midwife wasn’t available?

And that was it I think.

I stopped documenting my pregnancy at 26 weeks because nothing eventful happened after that. My stomach just got bigger and bigger and I got more nervous at the thought that soon I’d be meeting the little human bouncing around inside of me.

My pregnancy was going so well I managed to work up until I was 38 weeks. I should have used the remaining 2 weeks before my due date to rest but oh no, not me. I went into nesting overdrive. I was cleaning walls, doors, floors, ceilings, and finding every reason to pop down the high street and stock up on baby clothes and nursery decor. I’m not sure if it was a coping mechanism for the sheer shock of everything that happened or my need to remain strong and positive throughout the process but I used every opportunity I had to keep myself busy.

Apart from no longer fitting into most of my clothes I never once felt like I was pregnant . If you were to ask me now what did pregnancy feel like I honestly couldn’t tell you. Is that a good thing? I don’t know.

What I do know is that after 41 weeks and 5 days I welcomed my first baby, an adorable little boy named Matthew. The delivery wasn’t as smooth or easy as the pregnancy but it was worth it.

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I tried to keep this post as light-hearted as possible because that’s the place I’m in right now. 4 months after giving birth to my amazing son, I’m happier, lighter and brighter than ever before. During my pregnancy I wasn’t sure if I’d ever truly reach this place but I’m so glad I can honestly say that I have.

My pregnancy taught me a lot about myself, my values and my body and showed me what it means to be loved in the most unexpected way. It also taught me that you never know what you will really do in a situation until you are in it and this experience has shown me I’m a woman of my word.

Although I would have loved Matthew to be born in a two parent home, sometimes in life you have to choose yourselves over your children because ultimately that is the best decision for them too. I never wanted the relationship between Matthew’s father and I to end but it did and I was able to move on from it.

Looking back I enjoyed my pregnancy and I hope all my future pregnancies go as smooth and easy as this one – minus the break-up of course. It may not have been perfect but it was definitely worth it.

In the words of Lauryn Hill “I had always made decisions for other people, making everybody else happy. [This decision] was one that was based on my happiness and not what other people wanted for me or for themselves. . . . And I’m so happy that I made the choice that I did.”

Everything happens for a reason and I know I made the right choice.

Till next time.

What did your pregnancy experience teach you? Let me know in the comments below.

Love always,
Lydia x

Life Update | Babies, Break-ups and Blogging?

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realise that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
Eckhart Tolle

It’s been a couple of months since I’ve posted anything new on here but after a much needed break I’m back doing what I love. To mark my return I thought I’d share a little little life update on what’s been going on and what I have in store for my little corner of the internet.

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realise that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
Eckhart Tolle

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It’s been a couple of months since I’ve posted anything new on here but after a much needed break I’m back doing what I love. To mark my return I thought I’d share a little little life update on what’s been going on and what I have in store for my little corner of the internet.

But first, how are you? How is life treating you?

Me, I’m doing good. A lot has happened since I last posted. Some good, some bad and some just plain old unexplainable but I’m in a much better place now than I was a few months ago. Life hit me and it hit me really REALLY hard. I was never fully ready to share the specifics both online and offline because it’s hard to do so when you’re in the midst of the chaos. Every time I wanted to say something, the words failed me. I didn’t know where to start or how to start or if I should even start. So I didn’t. Instead, I had many days of crying and feeling sorry for myself until eventually I found the strength to get my groove back. Things weren’t okay but I knew they’d be okay. Eventually. Then I took a little 4 month break to gather myself and my thoughts and just enjoy the good moments that were happening instead of dwelling on the bad.

I told myself that once I got it together I’d return and write a life update post and share my journey because I believe it’s part of the recovery process. It’s a slow and painful process but it’s worth sharing because someone else might be going through the same thing and need to know that they are not alone. That it’s normal to feel how you feel and it’s possible to get through it no matter how hard it might be. Sometimes that’s all the encouragement we need.

So without further ado here is little life update on what’s been going on. Are you sitting comfortably?

BABIES

I’ll start with the biggest and most amazing thing of all that’s happened to me in the last 5 months. On 17th September at 7 something in the morning I become a mum to the most handsome little boy named Matthew. I say little but he weighed a healthy 7.3 pounds which is quite big so I’ve been told. I too was a big baby so I wasn’t too surprised. I delivered him via an emergency caesarian section (c-section) which I was not prepared for at all! I’ll go into more detail about my pregnancy, delivery and recovery in another post but for now I’m so excited to share this wonderful news. I’m officially a mama! Whoooop! It still hasn’t really kicked in yet that I am someone’s mum and I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m doing it anyway and I’m falling in love with him every single day whilst at it. I’m anxious but excited to spend the rest of my life trying to keep his little behind alive, healthy and happy!

BREAK-UPS

The next update is that sadly the start of this amazing new chapter in my life was met with an unexpected end to my relationship with Matthew’s father. I’ve spoken about him a few times on here during our relationship and I never in a million years thought it would end like it did, but it did. We broke up in February and I went through the entire pregnancy without him. It’s crazy how things can change so quickly but that’s life. Things change, people change and you just have to deal with it as best as you can. I was fortunate to have support from my amazing family and friends which I thank God for every single day. I don’t know how I would have coped without them.

At some point I’ll share the experience with you as I feel it’s important to share both life’s ups and downs, however for now I want to continue focusing on the good that came out of our relationship – Matthew. He’s taken all my pain and disappointment away and I know that everything happens for a reason. I didn’t understand it at first but I get that now. I’m so much more happier and excited for the future ahead.

BLOGGING

Last but not least, is my blog. They say behind every dark cloud there’s always a silver lining. Or something like that. Well, I think I may have found my silver lining. My life has taken an amazing but unexpectedly turn and I’d like my blog to a reflection of that. After all this is Lydia on Life, right? I’ve spent a lot of time talking about self love and self development on my blog amongst other things and that has helped me get through everything that’s happened so far this year. Because of that, I know I want to continue sharing my journey. I’m now a single young woman and also a new mum and I want to share my thought’s and experiences as I try to navigate and balance this new life. I have so much to learn and even more to give and it’s all thanks to Matthew. He has given me a new perspective on myself and life and has made me feel like I can do anything I put my mind to. I’m ready for whatever lies ahead and I want to share it all right right here.

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So yup, that’s my life update so far. As you can see I’ve been going through quit a bit of change and though it hasn’t been easy, I thank God everyday for it. I went through it, I got through it and I’ve come out the other side smiling because of it.

Life is very unpredictable and at times can be very uncomfortable. But I read a quote from Mokokoma Mokhonoana that said ‘comfort rarely produces great art’. Out of my uncomfortable I want to produce great art. I want my experience to bare fruits that will be used as encouragement for those (including myself) that may find themselves in that place of doubt again. I want to show whoever stumbles across my blog that you are more prepared to take on life’s struggles than you think you are. You may not feel like it but trust me you are. Just be patient with yourself. You cannot celebrate a victory if you’ve never been to war.

So I wrote this to not only give you a life update but to remind you that no matter how long or how dark the tunnel might be, keep going because there is light at the end of it. It might seem far, it might not even look like it’s there but trust me it’s there. Use that time to grow, develop and overcome the obstacles that will come along the way. It won’t be easy or painless but in the end you will be able to say you made it.

I don’t know what’s in store for the future but I’m excited for it anyway.

Till next time!

Love always,
Lydia x